CLICK ON THE SNOWFLAKE TO OPEN THE DOOR!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM KIRBY CROW
Merry Freaking Christmas
Search the Internet for Christmas recipes and you’d think it was all about the dinner. Well, it’s not. I don’t have difficulty cooking Christmas dinner or finding recipes for main and side dishes. There was that time I baked the plastic giblet bag inside the turkey, but we don’t talk about that. Nope. Anyway, my big problem during the holidays is putting together that one perfect, magical Christmas breakfast, which will henceforth be called “Christfast”.
Okay, we won’t call it that. That’s really lame and it gives me mental images of Jesus on a skateboard. Massbreak? Feastmass? Christbreakfastmass? Whatev.
Christmas breakfast is fraught with challenges. First you have to compete with the Christmas stocking (full of candy, nuts, chocolates, and fruit, yeeech fruit in my stocking! You might as well put coal in there!), then there’s new toys, parades on TV, arriving relatives, and wrapping paper all over the floor. Have you ever tried to cook with wrapping paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe?
Along with snow falling gently past the bay window and carols playing in the background, this is the kind of image you get when you think about Christmas breakfast.
Has this ever happened in my house? Not even close. The closest I ever got to that was when the cat made a crazy-ass leap from the top of the Christmas tree to the screen door and shattered a bulb on my butter dish.
But forget the place-setting, what about the food? One year I tried a chocolate soufflé. It fell and looked like an innertube. Tasted like one, too. Another year I bought emu eggs and made a scramble, but since plain emu eggs taste like nothing, they got the ketchup treatment and weren’t special at all. Is it any wonder I gave up years ago and decided that the perfect Christmas breakfast was the McDonald’s drive-thru?
No more! This year will be different. This year I will find the perfect recipe, lay out all the ingredients on Christmas Eve – if I can find space for them on the one table big enough to wrap presents on, which is also my dining room table – get up super-extra early on Christmas morning (why even go to bed?), and make that perfect holiday breakfast.
But first I have to tackle the issue of issue of, hmm, how do I put this? Volume. That’s it. It’s a math problem. I have to take into consideration just how much room people actually have in their tummies after stuffing it with stocking goodies, because if the Christmas breakfast is too big, they won’t have room for Christmas dinner. Which… technically isn’t dinner since we always eat around lunchtime. If Christmas breakfast is too skimpy, they’ll do a swan dive head-first into their stockings and eat themselves silly or pester you with stupid questions like “When are we going to eat?”, and then you’ll have to say stupid stuff back like “It’ll be ready when it’s ready. Go play with your Xbox!” while you stomp around the kitchen in your slippers and throw wooden spoons at the back door.
Christmas breakfast is doomed, I say. Doooooomed.
Or maybe not. I’ve had good luck with French toast. Just plain old simple white-bread, dipped-in-egg French toast. It’s not fancy, but it works, and there’s the problem: it’s not fancy. I mean come on! I spend about 20 hours planning, buying, and cooking a single meal for Christmas, and the preface is French toast? That’s an insult to French toast. That’s an insult to Christmas. That’s an insult to prefaces.
This will not stand.
So… here is the challenge (challenges, because you can pick any, and don’t talk to me about tenses!): Comment to enter the contest. Alternately, comment with your own Christmas breakfast memories or send me a link to a recipe you think I should try. If you want, post the recipe, or post a pic of yourself eating it. Post your most hated recipe, the stuff you wouldn’t eat even if it meant you could have a talking pony under the tree, or post the disaster Christmas recipe that ran everyone out of the house screaming The kitchen is on fire, run for your life!
Oh wait, that was me. Never mind.
Kirby Crow worked as an entertainment editor and ghostwriter for several years before happily giving it up to bake brownies, read yaoi, play video games, and write her own novels. These days, when she isn’t reading cookbooks, slaying Mirkwood orcs, stabbing evil Templars, or flying an assault cruiser for the glory of the Amarr Empire, Kirby writes game code and works to perfect her digital art and photography skills.
Kirby is a 2010 winner of the Epic Award and a two-time winner of the Rainbow Award for her published works in fiction. She is the author of the bestselling “Scarlet and the White Wolf” series of fantasy novels.
Her published novels are:
Prisoner of the Raven (historical romance, Torquere Press, 2005)
Scarlet and the White Wolf: The Pedlar and the Bandit King (fantasy romance, Torquere Press, 2006)
Scarlet and the White Wolf: Mariner’s Luck (fantasy romance, Torquere Press, 2007)
Scarlet and the White Wolf: The Land of Night (fantasy romance, Torquere Press, 2007)
Angels of the Deep (paranormal/horror, MLR Press, 2009)
Circuit Theory (scifi, Riptide, 2012)
For upcoming news of her future novels and purchase links for any of the above, visit http://kirbycrow.com
She can also be followed on Twitter, Tumblr, or her blog.
All works available in print and digital format from Amazon, Riptide, Torquere Books, Barnes & Noble, and all online book retailers. You can also request them from any bookstore.
Advent Calendar Giveaway!
Kirby will be giving away one e-book of any of her back catalogue to one lucky commenter, so don’t be shy, get commenting!
The BONUS BUMPER PRIZE QUESTION (don’t answer this – just save them up for Christmas Eve.)
12. In which direction should you always stir mincemeat?